Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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