well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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