I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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