You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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