A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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