I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
