You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
