so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
