Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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