Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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