So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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