How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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