She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
