Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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