Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
