It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
