I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
