i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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