my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
