this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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