How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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