I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
