Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
