If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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