Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
