textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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