Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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