oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
