I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
