Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
