I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
