We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
