Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
