Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
