I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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