I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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