So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
