my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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