We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
