My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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