Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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