I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
