$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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