I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
