yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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