No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
