I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
