did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
