Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize