You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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