He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
