Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
