Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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