id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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