No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
