the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
