Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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