not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
