i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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